WAIT WAIT DO DON’T ANSWER – so fast!
Is that your final answer?
Are you locked in?
You have 20 secs to answer 10 questions!
I bet most of you can tell me what shows these are from. If not,
you have Jeopardy, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and Family Feud. These game
shows have been on pretty much my whole life, and I am over 50. In fact,
Jeopardy has been on longer than I have been alive, starting in 1964 (8 years.
before me).
There are at any one time over 1000 game shows of one type
or another on TV, online, or Radio according to museumofplay.org. I remember
watching reruns of game shows from the 40s with my dad and listening to game
show recordings from the 20’s radio with my grandma.
We want fast food in under 5 minutes, we want fast drinks,
fast internet 4g, 5g, 10G!!!, fast, FASTER, now, now, NOW! YOLO (you only live
once)!
We live in an instant mindset world with our mobile
entertainment devices – Gone are the days of cell phones now we have portable
instant theaters, libraries, medical databases not to mention email, fax, text
and I suppose you can even call people on them still. I saw that in NYC people
camped out for 4 days on the sidewalk to spend $2K on the newest fast iPhone.
Why the need for speed? Why do we think it is rude if a
friend does not text back in less than an hour? Why do I feel such pressure to
get things done NOW?
As kids, we are taught to respond “NOW” to adults. “When I
ask you a question you answer immediately” quote my 9th grade math
teacher! You walk into work and the boss calls you and wants an answer
yesterday for a new question. Some partners ask you a question you are expected
to reply to almost before they are done asking their question. We have been trained to be instant responders, not thoughtful responders which means we put thought behind our responses.
I have worked with people and communications my whole
working career as a therapist. In fact, I will go on record as saying the
biggest problem that most people face in life is communication. I have seen
people who have been lonely, angry, sad, and ready to file for divorce all change and
find more fulfilling lives by simply changing the process in which they
communicate.
There are no social laws about how fast you need to answer a
question. Yet, if you hesitate in American culture, people freak out! All our
training tries to get us to answer almost as fast as someone is finished with a
question.
Two things I teach in sessions – the 5-second rule and asking yourself first!
5-second rule – Give your brain about 5 seconds to answer a
question! Seems easy enough but when you’re trained to respond before thinking
about things this can be very hard to implement.
How was your day? What are the auto responses we have ready
– OKAY, fine, or just another day, then we turn it How was your day, and we get about the same response. What if you paused for 3 to 5 seconds
How was your day? Instant auto response – say (inside) “okay”
– pause – 5 secs - thought– it was kind of hard day the boss was not in a good
mood… Thoughtful response – You know, the
boss was really in a bad mood which made the day hard actually!
Why change a system that has been working for eons? The
answer is simple but very complex. We should only do things for
self-improvement. Meaning I want to be a better communicator and I want to
share my life with those I care about. If those were not a good enough reason
to work on this, then how about learning to pause and communicate will make
your life better with a partner or extended family.
In the example above - This pause and thought response just
opens the door for so many other conversations and you just share a personal
emotion with someone who cares about you. This response could lead to a long-engaged
conversation about your work, your feelings, and your life goals. All because you
paused and thought about your answer!
What is communication? Well, let’s figure out what is not
communication first. 99% of what we watch and the technology we use daily do
not meet the idea of communication!
Let’s say you watch a documentary on how they made the movie
Thor – that is 100% “incoming” information for entertainment. You watch it, you
process it as you wish and then you move on afterwards. There is no such thing
as one-way communication - No communication on videos, shorts, reels, tweets,
or tic-tocks! Communication must have two parts – incoming and outgoing
messages. It seems odd to tell people that to communicate you need to listen
and speak – NOT AT THE SAME TIME!
The term active listening has fallen to history now, but the
idea is still 100% valid. We all want to be heard by those we are talking to.
The best way to show that is to use active listening skills.
Eye-to-eye contact
Sit forward if - sitting!
Stand in forward facing relaxed body posture.
Make sure the other person knows by sight and feeling that
you are focused on them!
NOTE - Even if one texts, chats, direct messages, dm,
messenger, or any other connection app these are not always clear communications.
I have seen so many relationships implode due to people trying to text out
a problem!
There are many things that are “communicated” in a one-way
process. Like this blog, or informational podcast, videos, lectures, TED talks,
and classes are for the most part one-way distribution of information. The information
that is given in this style is still not communicating!
2 tip:
ask self-first
Not every question needs a long answer, like do you want a
drink is a Yes or no question most of the time. We are talking about questions
that are more open-ended or plan-making focused that require input, discussion, and/or compromise.
(NOTE – You must be okay with others who are probably still
in responder mode and will expect the same reaction!
Pause – Think – answer!
Q - What do you want for supper? 99.9% of the time,
what is the normal response? –
Responder - “I don’t know, what do you want?” This response
is formed almost the second we hear the question forming.
Thought out response (Pause – think – answer) well I could
go for some tocos, (answer something) but I am open to what ideas you might
have? (You gave an answer but open-ended)
Q - What took you so long?
Responder – instant excuse or rapid statement of explanation
to appease the other person.
Thought out response – (Pause – think – answer) - Well there
was a lot of traffic, and the store was busy. Did you think I was gone a long
time? (Answer, calmly return focus to the person asking)
There is different forms of questions but the ones that need
you to respond is the place that so many partners fail to support each other
with as they Auto-respond not think and then communicate.
Most people I have worked with want communications not just
information!
SO – Start by focusing on hearing the question that you’re
being asked and then use the two steps.
5-second pause while you use Pause – Think – Answer and your
communications will be far above the average person.
