Healing from Trauma: Embracing Forgiveness and Thriving

Trauma is a powerful force that can leave deep emotional wounds in its wake. The journey to healing from trauma is often challenging and complex, but it is possible to find solace and move forward. In this blog post, we will explore the transformative power of forgiveness and how it can aid in the process of not just surviving but thriving after experiencing trauma.

 Understanding Trauma

Before delving into the healing process, it is crucial to have a clear understanding of what trauma entails. Trauma can manifest in various forms, such as physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, accidents, natural disasters, or the loss of a loved one. Its effects can be long-lasting and deeply impactful, affecting every aspect of a person's life.

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a concept that can be challenging to embrace, especially when it comes to traumatic experiences. However, it possesses immense power in the healing journey. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or forgetting the actions that caused the trauma; instead, it is a personal choice to release the grip of anger, resentment, and bitterness. It allows individuals to reclaim their power and focus on their own growth and well-being.

The Process of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process that varies for each individual. It involves acknowledging the pain, accepting the reality of what happened, and actively working towards letting go. This process may include seeking therapy, practicing self-compassion, and engaging in activities that promote self-care and healing.

Moving On and Thriving

As forgiveness takes root, individuals can begin to shift their focus from surviving to thriving. This phase involves embracing personal growth, rebuilding trust in oneself and others, and cultivating a sense of purpose and meaning in life. It may involve setting new goals, pursuing passions, and surrounding oneself with a supportive network of individuals who uplift and encourage.

Healing from trauma is a complex journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace forgiveness. By acknowledging the pain, actively working towards forgiveness, and focusing on personal growth, it is possible to move beyond surviving and truly thrive. Remember, the path to healing is unique for each individual, and seeking professional support when needed is essential. Embrace forgiveness, nurture your spirit, and allow yourself to flourish.

Nurturing Positive Relationships: Building Connections that Last

 Building positive relationships is an essential aspect of our lives. Whether it's with family, friends, or even colleagues, these connections contribute to our overall well-being and happiness. In this blog post, we will explore the key elements that foster positive relationships, emphasizing effective communication, creating a safe environment, and providing support to one another.

 The Power of Communication

Effective communication acts as the foundation for cultivating positive relationships. It involves active listening, expressing oneself clearly, and showing empathy towards others. By engaging in open and honest conversations, we foster understanding, resolve conflicts, and strengthen the bond between individuals.

Creating a Safe Space

Safety plays a crucial role in maintaining positive relationships. This includes both physical and emotional safety. By creating an environment where individuals feel secure, respected, and valued, we encourage trust to flourish. When people feel safe, they are more likely to open up, share their thoughts and feelings, and build deeper connections.

 Being Supportive

Support is a fundamental aspect of positive relationships. It involves being there for one another through both the ups and downs of life. By offering a listening ear, providing encouragement, and offering assistance when needed, we demonstrate our commitment to the well-being and growth of the people we care about.

Cultivating Trust and Vulnerability

Trust and vulnerability go hand in hand in positive relationships. Trust is built over time through consistent actions, reliability, and keeping one's promises. When individuals feel safe to be vulnerable with each other, they can share their true selves, fears, and dreams, fostering deeper connections and understanding.

Celebrating Differences and Respecting Boundaries

Positive relationships thrive on embracing diversity and respecting boundaries. Each person brings their unique perspectives, beliefs, and experiences to the table. By appreciating these differences and setting healthy boundaries, we create an inclusive and harmonious environment that allows individuals to be their authentic selves.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, nurturing positive relationships requires intentional effort and commitment. By prioritizing effective communication, creating a safe space, providing support, cultivating trust and vulnerability, and honoring differences and boundaries, we can build connections that last. As we invest in these key elements, we not only enhance our own well-being but also contribute to the happiness and fulfillment of those around us.

Rising from the Ashes: A Journey of Recovery from Trauma

Trauma can cast a long shadow over our lives, leaving us feeling shattered and lost. However, within the depths of despair, there is always a glimmer of hope. This blog post explores the path to recovery from trauma, offering insights and guidance on how to rebuild a life filled with healing, resilience, and newfound strength.

Understanding Trauma

Trauma comes in various forms, whether it's the result of a severe accident, a natural disaster, or emotional abuse. It leaves lasting imprints on our minds and bodies, disrupting our sense of safety and well-being. Acknowledging and understanding the nature of trauma is the first step towards healing.

Embracing the Journey

Recovering from trauma is a process that requires patience and self-compassion. It's essential to allow ourselves the space to grieve, to feel the pain, and to acknowledge our emotions. By embracing the journey, we open ourselves up to the possibility of transformation and growth.

Seeking Support

No one should have to navigate the path of recovery alone. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can provide invaluable guidance and comfort. Therapy, support groups, and counseling services can offer a safe space to process emotions, gain insights, and learn coping mechanisms.

Cultivating Resilience

Recovering from trauma requires developing resilience – the ability to bounce back from adversity. Engaging in self-care practices, such as mindfulness, exercise, and creative outlets, can nurture resilience and aid in the healing process. Building a support network, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion are also vital components of cultivating resilience.

Finding Meaning and Purpose

Trauma can leave us questioning the meaning of our lives. However, in the process of recovery, we have the opportunity to redefine our purpose and find new meaning. Engaging in activities that align with our values, pursuing passions, and giving back to others can ignite a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Recovering from trauma is not a linear journey, but rather a winding path filled with ups and downs. It requires courage, resilience, and a commitment to self-care. Remember, healing is possible. By understanding trauma, embracing the journey, seeking support, cultivating resilience, and finding meaning and purpose, we can rise from the ashes and rebuild a life filled with hope and possibility.

WAIT WAIT DO DON’T ANSWER – so fast!

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

WAIT WAIT DO DON’T ANSWER – so fast!

Is that your final answer?

Are you locked in?

You have 20 secs to answer 10 questions!

I bet most of you can tell me what shows these are from. If not, you have Jeopardy, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and Family Feud. These game shows have been on pretty much my whole life, and I am over 50. In fact, Jeopardy has been on longer than I have been alive, starting in 1964 (8 years. before me).

There are at any one time over 1000 game shows of one type or another on TV, online, or Radio according to museumofplay.org. I remember watching reruns of game shows from the 40s with my dad and listening to game show recordings from the 20’s radio with my grandma.  

We want fast food in under 5 minutes, we want fast drinks, fast internet 4g, 5g, 10G!!!, fast, FASTER, now, now, NOW! YOLO (you only live once)!  

We live in an instant mindset world with our mobile entertainment devices – Gone are the days of cell phones now we have portable instant theaters, libraries, medical databases not to mention email, fax, text and I suppose you can even call people on them still. I saw that in NYC people camped out for 4 days on the sidewalk to spend $2K on the newest fast iPhone.

Why the need for speed? Why do we think it is rude if a friend does not text back in less than an hour? Why do I feel such pressure to get things done NOW?

As kids, we are taught to respond “NOW” to adults. “When I ask you a question you answer immediately” quote my 9^th grade math teacher! You walk into work and the boss calls you and wants an answer yesterday for a new question. Some partners ask you a question you are expected to reply to almost before they are done asking their question.  We have been trained to be instant responders, not thoughtful responders which means we put thought behind our responses.

I have worked with people and communications my whole working career as a therapist. In fact, I will go on record as saying the biggest problem that most people face in life is communication. I have seen people who have been lonely, angry, sad, and ready to file for divorce all change and find more fulfilling lives by simply changing the process in which they communicate.

There are no social laws about how fast you need to answer a question. Yet, if you hesitate in American culture, people freak out! All our training tries to get us to answer almost as fast as someone is finished with a question.

Two things I teach in sessions – the 5-second rule and asking yourself first!  

5-second rule – Give your brain about 5 seconds to answer a question! Seems easy enough but when you’re trained to respond before thinking about things this can be very hard to implement. 

How was your day? What are the auto responses we have ready – OKAY, fine, or just another day, then we turn it How was your day, and we get about the same response. What if you paused for 3 to 5 seconds

How was your day? Instant auto response – say (inside) “okay” – pause – 5 secs - thought– it was kind of hard day the boss was not in a good mood…  Thoughtful response – You know, the boss was really in a bad mood which made the day hard actually!

Why change a system that has been working for eons? The answer is simple but very complex. We should only do things for self-improvement. Meaning I want to be a better communicator and I want to share my life with those I care about. If those were not a good enough reason to work on this, then how about learning to pause and communicate will make your life better with a partner or extended family.

In the example above - This pause and thought response just opens the door for so many other conversations and you just share a personal emotion with someone who cares about you. This response could lead to a long-engaged conversation about your work, your feelings, and your life goals. All because you paused and thought about your answer!

What is communication? Well, let’s figure out what is not communication first. 99% of what we watch and the technology we use daily do not meet the idea of communication!

Let’s say you watch a documentary on how they made the movie Thor – that is 100% “incoming” information for entertainment. You watch it, you process it as you wish and then you move on afterwards. There is no such thing as one-way communication - No communication on videos, shorts, reels, tweets, or tic-tocks! Communication must have two parts – incoming and outgoing messages. It seems odd to tell people that to communicate you need to listen and speak – NOT AT THE SAME TIME! 

The term active listening has fallen to history now, but the idea is still 100% valid. We all want to be heard by those we are talking to. The best way to show that is to use active listening skills.

Eye-to-eye contact

Sit forward if - sitting!

Stand in forward facing relaxed body posture.

Make sure the other person knows by sight and feeling that you are focused on them!  

NOTE - Even if one texts, chats, direct messages, dm, messenger, or any other connection app these are not always clear communications. I have seen so many relationships implode due to people trying to text out a problem!

There are many things that are “communicated” in a one-way process. Like this blog, or informational podcast, videos, lectures, TED talks, and classes are for the most part one-way distribution of information. The information that is given in this style is still not communicating!

2 tip: ask self-first

Not every question needs a long answer, like do you want a drink is a Yes or no question most of the time. We are talking about questions that are more open-ended or plan-making focused that require input, discussion, and/or compromise.  

(NOTE – You must be okay with others who are probably still in responder mode and will expect the same reaction!   

Pause – Think – answer!

Q - What do you want for supper? 99.9% of the time, what is the normal response? –

Responder - “I don’t know, what do you want?” This response is formed almost the second we hear the question forming.

Thought out response (Pause – think – answer) well I could go for some tocos, (answer something) but I am open to what ideas you might have? (You gave an answer but open-ended)

Q - What took you so long?

Responder – instant excuse or rapid statement of explanation to appease the other person.

Thought out response – (Pause – think – answer) - Well there was a lot of traffic, and the store was busy. Did you think I was gone a long time? (Answer, calmly return focus to the person asking)

There is different forms of questions but the ones that need you to respond is the place that so many partners fail to support each other with as they Auto-respond not think and then communicate.  

Most people I have worked with want communications not just information!

SO – Start by focusing on hearing the question that you’re being asked and then use the two steps.

5-second pause while you use Pause – Think – Answer and your communications will be far above the average person. 

When LIFE Stops what then?

I have been asked by people in counseling sessions “How can I ever get over this?” and “How can I ever get back to life?” These are people that have come to a point where problems are making them feel like their lives have actually stopped and they cannot see how they can get it going again.

 

                                         

                                                    Photo by Youcef Chenzer on Unsplash

Over the years I have given many different answers to these questions. I have said things like: “Well you have to take one day at a time" and "When things are this hard you just have to have hope and believe that a better day will come in time.” 

I have been through many hard and bad things in my life but after I had to deal with cancer my entire life view has been reshaped. The advice I use to give is true and are solid answers but not very useful ones! This is so hard when a person feels when they are down to the point they feel life is stopped and they cannot see a better day.

The true change in my heart and mind came when the Dr. told me I had cancer in 2009. I thought at that moment LIFE HAS STOPPED (forever) – I could not think or process all the fears, anger, and sadness that I was feeling at first. I thought “How do I go on from here!” It was then the I see my original advice did not make much sense even to me. 

I realized I had never understood how deep and powerful this point in human emotions could be. It took me some weeks to really figure things out. Even today every now and then I have to return to this advice I am about to share.

My new advice to people that feels like their life is stopped is ---- 

 

“all you can do is just keep going forward, you do this by placing one foot in front of the other and living day by day sometimes hour by hour! 

Simply put – NEVER STOP LIVING

When I was working during Chemotherapy it was nothing short of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life physically and emotionally! I knew that there was only one way to make it – Every morning I decided that I was going to put one foot in front of the other. That way I at least knew that I would be moving forward. If I move forward then I would get to the end somewhere, sometime and somehow.

You see there is a look on a person's face when they hit that stopping point. You can see this in humanity when you see interviews with people that have just lost everything to natural disasters. You see people looking at it with “THE LOOK” that once you have been at that point you know very well – the look of what do we do now? 

This is a place where fear overloads the mind, where anxiety is in charge, and numbness is what your feeling! My advice to anyone in this place as a licensed professional counselor is – NEVER STOP! You may not know what to do or how to do but do something! Small things that to others may seem insensitive or like you in denial but the "things" you're doing will keep you moving forward. Just never stop living! 

It seems like a simple combination of words but the actual effort that a person needs to achieve this mental place of being is enormous. The only way you can do this is by knowing that “If you put one foot in front of the other you will be at least moving forward AND if I move forward then you will get to the end (of this time) somewhere, sometime and somehow.

A friend (who has lived through several bouts of breast cancer) wrote me once and said --- 

LIVE MAN LIVE you are not dead! 

So you have to LIVE MAN LIVE.